What’s in a name? Letters, sounds and, if you choose carefully, the chance to make a receptionist read it out loud twice. The question today is what you would call yourself if you had to change your name. I am taking my lead from Phoebe in Friends, who wanted to become Banana Hammock and saw nothing wrong with it. The bar has been set.
The shortlist, from zany to zonkers:
- Captain Fantastic Thunderpants:
Why settle for an ordinary name when you could be a superhero by lunchtime? There is a mighty cape. There is flying through the skies. There is saving the world, one pair of thunderpants at a time. I am not entirely sure what thunderpants are, but nobody with this name has ever had a dull moment.
- Sir Wigglebottom McSquiggles:
This one is for anyone with an undying love of the silly and a playful spirit to match. People will chuckle every time they say it, so every introduction comes with a small free gift. The only real work is the signature. It needs a wiggle, and the wiggle must be perfected before anybody asks for an autograph.
- Count von Ticklesalot:
For those who are good at spreading joy and laughter, here is a name that guarantees giggles. People will look forward to your arrival, or at the very least prepare for it. It is also a built-in icebreaker for any awkward social situation. Nobody has ever met a Count von Ticklesalot and then asked about the weather.
- Princess Fluffykins the First:
A regal life of sparkles, tiaras and an entourage of loyal feline subjects. (Loyal is generous. They are cats.) With a name this majestic, every day is a royal gala with a never-ending supply of treats fit for a queen. Note “the First”. It leaves room for a dynasty.
- Princess Consuela (Phoebe’s inspiration):
Which brings us back to Phoebe Buffay. In one episode of Friends, her new name of choice was Princess Consuela Bananahammock, and she delivered it with a completely straight face. If you would like your new name to come from a sitcom, this is the one to put center stage. Just be prepared for some memorable reactions.
The verdict:
If you must change your name, there is no reason to choose an ordinary one. Superheroes and silly nobles are all available, and as far as I can tell most of them are still unclaimed.
Life is too short to take ourselves too seriously. So, if you had to change your name, which one would you go for? Tell me in the comments. And who knows, maybe one day Banana Hammock will be a household name, and we will all have Phoebe to thank.
